you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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