if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
