Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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