I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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