the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Drunk is not a location!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
