piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
