It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
