The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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