you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
