You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
