The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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