I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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