Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
