she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
