he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
