I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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