New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
