The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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