Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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