someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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