i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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