I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
