I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
