3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Floor bacon is actually really good
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
