girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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