god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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