In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
