I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
