I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
