Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
