she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
