I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
