I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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