Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
