All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
