i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
