My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
