I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
