I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
