My liver just broke up with me...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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