my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
