PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
