A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
