I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
