No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
