i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we made out on top of his cat.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
