i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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