she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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