my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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