You smell like stripper and shame
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I need a burrito and a hug.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
