if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
