I think I am morally bankrupt
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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