you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
