your parents love me but you hate me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
