then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
