there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
