didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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